Work Of Heart Diaries

  Apparently one of the most stresful things ill ever go through in my life along with moving house (which will come next 😅) Since its started, ive dreamt of craig and i back together, ive been listening to old break up playlists and dipping into those old breakup feelings. I've even been significantly nicer to craig and that's been confusing as hell. We're both incredibly different people now and I would never want to patch things up. ultimately It's the final sever and it hurts and perhaps being nicer to him is my way of clinging on. Not because I want him back but because the memory of what could have been is something I still grieve. It's confusing like i said.  Divorce is like reliving the breakup. The breakup to me was an inner war zone of paranoia, post natal depression and constantly hearing a babies cry when there wasn't one, practically single parenting through covid and severe sleep deprivation but if i just held on, he would come home for good and e...

Growing up, I was told by my dad to  never marry a black guy, reason being that they will have a child with me and then abandon me. Now, when you grow up with a jurrasic parent who casually throws around racist remarks and poses as Hitler in a family photo shoot on your wedding day, that precarious sense of humour kind of rubs off on you. The ironic thing that actually happened was that I married a white guy and that very thing my dad spoke of happened to me. Should have known my dad was chatting shit and married a black guy instead.  Im completely taking the piss ofcourse and don't always specify any kind of behaviour being limited to any kind of race but growing up with a man who had  limiting beliefs due to his own experiences enabled me to question those as well as my own and everyone else's. I ask questions people are afraid to ask. I probe areas people are afraid to probe. I say things people are afraid to say. Often those areas are the most important to probe. Deat...

- you will only attract partners that love and accept your "faults" if YOU love and accept YOUR "faults" -I put "faults" in this way because there's nothing inherently good or bad about anyone ☯️ we are a human whole, with good in the bad and bad in the good. Perfectly imperfect. Often what we reject in others is what we are rejecting within ourselves.  - if you don't tare down the shame or fear you feel over these parts of you and learn to love them you will keep attracting the same kind of partner in a different meat suit. -each romantic partner you have had that hasnt worked out has been a mirror and messanger to better guide you towards being the most content, perfectly imperfect version of you. If you didn't catch their message (whichever parts of THEM you were rejecting) then it's because you're still holding on to the anger. When you can let that go, and learn to love those rejected parts (which are also a part of who YOU have be...

Its a really really shitty feeling. There's the anger at their part, sadness that it's over and fear that we might not love again. For me, it's intense anger, the anger where i want to punch them in the face kind of anger or lift the handbrake on their most prized possession and watch it role down the hill. Aggression ofcourse was another shadow part of myself that was discussed in life coaching, "you're aggressive", "no im fucking not" I dont know how she finally gets me to realise what a cunt I am but she does and its great but it kind of feels like an alcaholics anonymous admittance. "hi I'm beth im Aggresive.." I actually did a painting on aggression because during a conflict I was Aggresive. A picture of a wolf and me behind it soothing the Aggresive wolf. I had an argument with my ego where i was convinced the wolf was me and then someone else  and then back to me again. The conclusion was that the people we often have conflict wi...

 I believe the thing you pride yourself on most. The attributes that us social creatures applaud such as kindness, loyalty, honesty, generosity etc The positive things we would describe ourselves as, perhaps are also our core values and things we look for in others. Fearless is a word I would use to describe myself. I'm afraid of slugs and snails and worms and home grown tomatoes (there was an incident with a worm) but i pride myself on the many things I have done that most would be afraid of and yet, setting up a market stall to sell my art fills me with an incredible amount of dread and fear. I have been so ashamed of this because im beth and I'm fearless and this is not being fearless. I've dug my head in the sand in total avoidance. My point is, sometimes the things we pride ourselves on most are also where the cracks may lie and the areas of ourselves that would provide us most with growth.  I belive that until we have fully accepted that even though we are kind we can...

 Shame What is shame? Shame can be the gatekeeper of every other emotion. The feeling that those emotions are wrong to feel. What does shame feel like? Shame is the anxiety we feel. it is the knot in the stomach or the tightness in the chest or throat. We feel most anxious when we are most ashamed of the emotion we are trying so hard not to feel or deny is even there. The more we try to push away an emotion the more anxiety we feel. That is shame. It's the complete lack of safety we feel to even touch on an emotion.  How do we overcome shame and anxiety?  When we take a moment of silence, when we allow that anxiety to surface and question why it is there. What is it that is causing us to feel unsafe? What emotion lies beyond that? Fear? Anger? Grief?  Whatever it is, we have been taught that it is not right to feel that way. We must now teach ourselves that it is right. That it is safe. That we CAN feel that way and its ok. And we breathe through that. We offer ourse...

 I went with a friend to a beach the other day. Harlech beach. It was absolutely stunning but crowded. I've started to do these self awareness checks in with myself more frequently so that I can sooner detect overwhelm to do something about it before I become angry or dysfunctional. They're really helpful and they only take 2 mins of breath work and a body scan to notice any tension in my body. On that beach there was a fair bit of tension in my body and i didnt know why. I stopped trying to figure it out after 5 mins (extended problem solving is ruminating and that's not helpful) and decided to move my body and go for a swim, the tension left a little. We arrived at shell island, a dad had set up a big piece of material over a hill to create a slide. I joked I wanted a go but he encouraged us both to take a turn and we did and it was great fun. I thought I'd try my luck again with a woman who was trying to fly a kite and she was equally as encouraging. I made it fly br...