Work Of Heart Diaries

 So I've really been struggling with this idea of sitting with pain. I'm very much an all or nothing, live life a thousand miles per hour...and I see how people avoiding their own shit affects them and even their kids so much that that scares me massively to the point that I go... Oh hello pain... And then I dive right in until I want to set the world on fire. None of that makes any logical sense and I've caused all sorts of chaos. Like a child. But you know what? I'm not judging myself for any of this because firstly, I was brought up in an environment where I wasn't allowed to express myself and secondly in an environment where if anyone did express themselves it was explosive.  And I'm not saying monkey see monkey do and that makes it ok but what I am saying is that you can't act or be any better if you don't know how. I was never shown any better so I've never acted any better and although it's common sense to most, in those hard moments when...

  I am no longer people pleasing I am no longer apologising to keep the peace  I am no longer avoiding conflict to keep the peace  I am no longer tolerating behaviour where I am the scape goat in someone’s chain of pain I will not tolerate projection or deflection, Half hearted apologies, lack of accountability and an aversion to self reflection I will not tolerate triangulation, gaslighting or any other emotional abuse tactics  I will not tolerate bitter envy I welcome in recognition and atonement. I welcome In empathy. Real emotional empathy, not just a recognition of how I’m feeling but the ability to FEEL how I’m feeling. I welcome in vulnerability I welcome In honesty. Honesty with self and others I welcome In true expression. Expression of feelings, passion, excitement, pain, creativity, whatever and whenever. I will never be ashamed of being around someone who is being their true authentic self. If you want to run through the supermarket screaming or jump into...

 I've been involved in a lot of conflict recently that has sent my mind spiralling and caused me to question who I am. I've done a lot of journaling and if I've had a vent to others I've reflected upon the messages ive been desperate to get  from others that I'm not telling myself. Sometimes when I so desperately want another to say "I'm sorry" or " you've done your best and that's always enough" or some other words of compassion, comfort or understanding and I fight with them in desperation to get it I realise that I'm fighting the wrong person. I should be fighting myself to offer up all this love and understanding to myself and I shouldn't be fighting others or engaging in any kind of conversation for it.  Ofcourse it's nice to have a tribe, to have family and friends there for you but that should only ever be a bonus to the love and care you give to yourself...  Here are some affirmations if you find yourself strugglin...