Work Of Heart Diaries

 Let's just say I've had a bad review on my blog. I understand. It's provocative, it can feel personal, it can touch a nerve. The things I speak about on here arnt exactly  fun. Im not a psychiatrist, scholar, or hold any certification that allows me to be qualified to speak about anyone or anything with any great certainty, with any studies or great audience to verify what im talking about and im neither anyone of any great influence.These are simply my own running thoughts that hold absolutely no truth to them other than what I believe to be true from my own sense of reality and experiences.  My only aim in writing this blog, is that it helps someone. It helps give them the realisations I wish I'd had much sooner than I'd had them. That it prevents them from walking into fires or encourages them to ask for help. Oprah Winfrey in her book "what I know for sure..." is something I'm inspired by. Its her version of "truth" and it's helped m...

 Nicole and Crishelle  Nicole has narcissistic qualities. In some scenes She lacks total empathy, she can not aknowledge many of her own shortcomings, she is more concerned about her reputation and often becomes the victim when every other tactic fails. She often projects and causes a scene when she is not the center of attention.  Crishelle is often the target of narcissistic abuse. Nicole, like Christine, was feeling threatened by her and tried to tarnish Crishelles reputation.  Nicole possibly has some siblings that were often chosen over her during her childhood and she feels this playing out again and that's why it's so triggering when someone else (Crishelle) is recieving recognition beside her. Crishelles feeling unsafe because it challenges this shadow within her of "you didn't fully earn what you have" which stems from the relationship with her former husband. If Crishelle owned that she felt that way, owned where she didn't earn what she had as well ...

 Something I have learnt about ADHD that works for me. Since my diagnoses I have spiralled. It was kind of like - oh that's why i am the way I am!  it gave me so much more freedom to be who I was without beating myself up so much. That was both good and bad because it allowed me to aknowledge the shame where there was shame and correct it and offer myself some compassion, but it's taken a long time for me to develop the self awareness to know where and when that is around my ADHD symptoms. For example, I set myself a to do list of 5 errands and if i dont complete all 5 in a day I'd beat myself up or I'd burn myself out completing them and then beat myself up for having little capacity to do pretty much anything for the rest of the week.  There are days when I would like to just complete one thing on the errand list and then due to having a total meltdown or feeling overwhelmed by something unexpected. It becomes enough that I've made it through the day without wanti...

 If doing what a person wants you to do to feel "seen" requires  you to abandon yourself in the process, then that's  a misalignment of values and/or expectations and boundaries need to be established.  What you determine as unreasonable behaviour will help you communicate what you will and will not tolerate in order to establish boundaries. Your communication of boundaries are your responsibility. An example of a boundary could be as simple as not wanting to text multiple times a day to not allowing disrespectful communication such as insulting.  It could be something contraversial like public displays of affection with a romantic partner. When one person has a value that misaligns with another, for example if one likes public displays of affection and the other doesn't, then we have to consider how much we are abandoning ourselves and our own values to please the other. A compromise is when we please the other but only to the extent where we are not abandoning...

 Women/girls were not included in an Adhd study until the 1990s and were only included in a larger study in 2002. Most dont get diagnosed until after they've had children. What makes my blood boil about that, is that i am told time and time again that feminism is unnecessary. The patriarchy no longer exists. We are all equal now.  I wandered around the school corridors, lost, unable to find my classroom in year 9. I was in a school for 3 years and still unable to find my classrooms and dealing with the shame of that would have been ok, it meant I missed a single PE lesson which was no big deal and they were my thoughts sitting on a step in what I thought was the PE department. A teacher found me, in tears and questioned if I was a new student, I wasn't. She looked at me confused and irritated and i felt humiliated because I had no explanation for why I couldn't do something as basic as find my own class. There was a map in my planner. I couldn't explain to her why I did...

After reading brene brown, I'm sharing my shame story with you all. Spending 10 years with the same guy from the age of 18 takes its toll. Meaning, I can't  imagine a life being single because all of my adult life has been with a partner. Meaning, that for 2 years I've been on and off dating because I struggle with being "alone"  as soon as those feelings of hopelessness and pain start to come up I'm straight on a dating app. You can only imagine, these relationships only leads to a really long and happy time of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns due to that solid foundation. Ive been judged for my dating escapades. Who I'm dating, why I'm dating, when I'm dating. I mean, immediately after a breakup to avoid the pain of the breakup was not my finest moment but pain at that time, to me, meant feeling suicidal. So i was avoiding feeling suicidal. I was trying to survive in the best way I knew how. Fast forward to now, my journey has been far from gra...