Divorce

 

Apparently one of the most stresful things ill ever go through in my life along with moving house (which will come next 😅)

Since its started, ive dreamt of craig and i back together, ive been listening to old break up playlists and dipping into those old breakup feelings. I've even been significantly nicer to craig and that's been confusing as hell. We're both incredibly different people now and I would never want to patch things up. ultimately It's the final sever and it hurts and perhaps being nicer to him is my way of clinging on. Not because I want him back but because the memory of what could have been is something I still grieve. It's confusing like i said. 

Divorce is like reliving the breakup. The breakup to me was an inner war zone of paranoia, post natal depression and constantly hearing a babies cry when there wasn't one, practically single parenting through covid and severe sleep deprivation but if i just held on, he would come home for good and everything would be ok but instead I was strung along and I had the rug pulled from under me in a breakup email.   3 months later he did come home, but it wasn't for me and the very thing I was paranoid about happening - happened. All Id wanted was a family. Together. Happy. In 1 email that was all gone. 

Abandonment trauma is the consequence of this but quite often the trauma we are reliving with a romantic partner has happened before with our parents or parental figures. Life happens for us, not to us. As shit as all of this is, it's a chance for me to face up to older wounds and correct the beliefs I wrongly established as a consequence to the older abandonment Id experienced. (More of that is explained in some of my older blog posts) 

Each time I am met with words or actions that trigger that abandonment trauma and bring to the surface the beliefs, I challenge those and i correct them and im grateful that I had the opportunity to do that because these wounds already existed. The beliefs already existed and unless they are triggered and challenged they continue to exist within me and wreak havoc in my life in other ways. in this chaotic and painful way, craig is liberating me by allowing me to face these parts of myself. (more on how i do that is also in earlier blog posts) 

I met with a friend. A life long friend whom I consider to be more of a sister. We'd had some conflict  due to the breakup and as a consequence id not spoke to her or seen her in months. There were tears but by the end of this meet up I had to express that I still couldn't see her yet from fear of losing her. Abandonment trauma digs it's heels in and the divorce brings it all to the surface over and over again. I live in fear that the things in my life that bring me the most joy can be snatched away at any moment. My art, my philosophy, my best friend.

I made an offer for the divorce on what i would like to settle with and the response was triggering. I knew what was happening, I breathed through it, I corrected the existing beliefs and accepted that this was who craig was and he wasn't going to change. I reminded myself I was safe. My brain felt calmer but my body was flooded with adrenaline that no matter what excercise I did or laughing yoga I went to I couldn't shake off and it was exhausting. I got home and I crashed.

I had enough self compassion to allow myself to rest. I'd picked up a book in a hippy shop (rainforest in chester, it's amazing!) I was browsing around, looking for something that stood out that might help. I wasn't looking to impulse buy but to just collect some sort of medicine for what I was going through. I was hoping the universe would just give me a sign or deliver something that might stand out to me. The book was called "the things you can see only when you slow down" 

As much as i would like to persue my art career, go full time in philosophy studies, spend all the time I could with my best friend. I have to slow everything down. There will be days when I am still, and i accept that. 

When this is over ill have a divorce party. It'll be like a hen party but ill plan it and ill find a way of giving back to each individual who has been there for me and carried me through this because not feeling alone through this has filled me with the most gratitude, so grateful in fact that it brings me to tears. If ive gained anything from this divorce it's the healing of old wounds and friendships.