Heartbreak

Its a really really shitty feeling. There's the anger at their part, sadness that it's over and fear that we might not love again.

For me, it's intense anger, the anger where i want to punch them in the face kind of anger or lift the handbrake on their most prized possession and watch it role down the hill. Aggression ofcourse was another shadow part of myself that was discussed in life coaching, "you're aggressive", "no im fucking not" I dont know how she finally gets me to realise what a cunt I am but she does and its great but it kind of feels like an alcaholics anonymous admittance. "hi I'm beth im Aggresive.."

I actually did a painting on aggression because during a conflict I was Aggresive. A picture of a wolf and me behind it soothing the Aggresive wolf. I had an argument with my ego where i was convinced the wolf was me and then someone else  and then back to me again.

The conclusion was that the people we often have conflict with, we are one another's mirrors, so the wolf was me and also them.

I joined a heart circle meeting. A meeting of amazing women where we do some self love practices and loving those we've had conflict with also. A hawaiin prayer stuck with me called "ho'oponopono"

It goes like this:

"I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you" 

And in the beginning I was thinking, it's great and i get it but I still want to punch someone in the face. 

"holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal  with the intent of throwing it at someone else, you are the one who gets burned" was thrown at me and i rolled my eyes. "yeah yeah yeah, i know..." 

It did help massively but it just didn't click like i wanted it to. Regardless, I practiced the prayer everytime that wave of anger came up. 

When my life coach helped me work through the parts of myself that were needy and Aggresive, that was when everything finally clicked. 

It was when I began to love those parts of myself that I actually stopped feeling so needy and Aggresive. Don't get me wrong it still certainly comes up but rather than feel shame over these parts of myself I offer myself compassion and love instead. I do a visualisation technique where i imagine a small child version of myself kicking and screaming or needily holding arms out wanting a cuddle and i give that small child a hug and i offer than child a whole load of positive and encouraging and reasuring words. It does the trick.

After a week or 2 the anger was lifting and i felt sadness. Sadness for myself and sadness for those I've dated and had conflict with. I felt an immense amount of love and gratitude. Overcoming the needy and Aggresive parts of myself was a gift I was given by the person who held up a mirror to me and id recieved plenty more gifts from every other person id dated too. 

Over coming that needy part of myself meant I simply no longer wanted to date anyone else. I'd been treating myself and others like projects for far too long and for the first time in my life I think im learning how to be happy by just being and i know i can be grateful to myself for getting to this place but honestly, this is why i have so much love for the person that held the mirror up to me that allowed me to get here 

I sat doing some self reflection and going through a divorce is like going through a break up. All the happy memories id had with my ex husband come to my mind more frequently now. I remember a time when id feel ashamed of that, like it was too painful to remember happy times with someone that had also brought me so much pain. But i think with all the things I'd been working on above it allowed me to allow these thoughts through and smile through them. There are so many happy memories and so many reasons why I have loved dating. I've had flowers delivered to my work, ive been to a music concert, ive had an amazing time in st ives, ive had so many romantic moments with different people that I've dated and ive learnt so so much about myself that I'm grateful for both the happy memories and the painful conflicts. 

Dont get me wrong im certain that I'll want to punch the next person in the face that holds a mirror up to me and causes me to question a part of myself I dont want to face but i am purposefuly and intentionally taking this time for solitude so that when I do meet someone I can be so confident in my own company that I won't people please or fawn, I won't be so afraid of abandonment and i will sooner walk away from something that doesn't align with all of who I am,

Now fuck off. 😘