Work Of Heart Diaries

 "true self love is when you appreciate who you are and where you are regardless of any transformation you aspire to" - vex king accepting the "bad" within us is difficult because shame comes up and guilt can follow that. These are not simple feelings. we can have an entire history of behaviour where our "bad" has negatively impacted us and caused others pain and the guilt and shame of that can be overwhelming. Our brain wants to protect us from the pain of shame and guilt so, most of the time our defences will come up. its important that we don't judge ourselves, that we observe our feelings with curiosity and approach the negative with self compassion. how do we know when our defences are coming up? when we are in a heightened emotional state. when we are experiencing, fight, flight, freeze or fawn.  triggers reveal so much about ourselves and more about our own "bad." As much as we want to shift blame on to the other it can often mean that...

 Since oscar was born, I always thought he was so amazing I needed to be better. I didn't know how to be a mum, I didn't have any control and because I didn't know what to do a lot it felt like hell. It constantly felt like i wasnt enough. I was so alone through most of it it felt like it was all on me to be everything and I couldn't be everything. When Craig and i seperated, I felt like on one hand he was around for Oscar more so the pressure was lifted in one respect but I had to be more financially and security wise - better. I have treated myself like a project since he was born. Always trying to be better always trying to be EVERYTHING for him. It takes a village to raise a child but those villages don't exist any more, especially during covid times. So i felt like i had to be that village and i couldn't fuck up because if i fucked up it would fuck him up. And im fucked up and being fucked up meant loosing craig and loosing craig meant pain. But i have lear...