Sensitive

 I went with a friend to a beach the other day. Harlech beach. It was absolutely stunning but crowded. I've started to do these self awareness checks in with myself more frequently so that I can sooner detect overwhelm to do something about it before I become angry or dysfunctional. They're really helpful and they only take 2 mins of breath work and a body scan to notice any tension in my body. On that beach there was a fair bit of tension in my body and i didnt know why. I stopped trying to figure it out after 5 mins (extended problem solving is ruminating and that's not helpful) and decided to move my body and go for a swim, the tension left a little.

We arrived at shell island, a dad had set up a big piece of material over a hill to create a slide. I joked I wanted a go but he encouraged us both to take a turn and we did and it was great fun. I thought I'd try my luck again with a woman who was trying to fly a kite and she was equally as encouraging. I made it fly briefly and i was extremely grateful. There's something special about connecting with strangers over shared joy. 

The beach on shell was quiet as the sun was setting and, although hungry, i felt totally at peace. The check in I did at this point filled me with gratitude. It was the lack of people. I like to connect with individuals but crowds drain me. I'm extremely sensitive in this way and I always saw it as a bit of a curse. I can't really go to a festival, or be in any great event that means I'm exposed to a crowd of people for any great length of time. At the same time i really want to connect with others and i feel like an outsider because of my level of sensitivity. 

I went to manorafon farm and they had a big foam machine and after the countdown about 50 excited children get blasted with about 100 bathtubs worth of bubble foam. My jaw ached from the smiles and the laughing I did for the entire duration. i was so happy. I felt the joy of 50 children within myself and it was incredible. I looked around at other parents who were mildly entertained and i didnt get it. Some of them looked at me as the laughter just kept spilling out of me and they didn't get me.

The point I'm getting at is that the check in with myself, the self awareness that brings and my increasing ability to aknowledge and sit with pain is also increasing my ability to feel joy on a much more expansive level. 

The hike I took a week earlier, I wanted to feel the ground beneath my feet, I wanted to pick the leaves from the trees and feel them, I felt the sun on my cheeks and i listened to the birds singing and when I finally placed my feet in the water, tadpoles started to nibble at my skin. It tickled. It felt like those fish you used to get at the spa. I went on that hike like i was never going to hike again. Like i was experiencing everything for the first and last time. I wanted to appreociate and feel everything and it made the experience incredible. 

Sitting with pain doesn't mean I feel sadness MORE. It means I have a loving acceptance for it. I'm content with it and because of that it passes with ease rather than a constant argument where i dont want to feel it. The problem with pushing away negative emotions like sadness or rage is we don't fully get to appreciate or feel to their full capacity feelings like joy or peace when they come up either. 

Brene brown believes joy is the most vulnerable emotion we can experience because we're worried that if we allow ourselves to feel it, some tragedy might come along and snatch it away. She believes the best way to combat that fear is with gratitude and shes right but I would go a step further and say that your ability to sit with pain increases your ability to truly feel joy in all its greatness.