Work Of Heart Diaries

Claires sessions are probably tailored to each individual so what I describe that happened within mine might not happen in others. In my first session we discussed where I was at on my journey. How I feel and react in certain situations and labelling the messaging that ive carried through out my life. Id told her about my post natal depression, my separation from my husband, a job I wasn’t feeling truly passionate about but that I liked regardless and the tumultuous relationship with a current boyfriend. She made some notes as we went along which I couldn’t help but wonder about but that made sense at the end of the session Id described my relationship with both parents and Claire had summarised the messaging I got from my dad in a way that was never put to me before and it was this:   “you don’t matter” and there for “I discard you”   She cemented the idea that we carry the lack of love we received from the negative parent and we end up with romantic partners who repeat the s...

  Healing. 1/2   I reached a brick wall with therapy. Its like everything was layed out in front of me, all of the bad and I had no place for it and had no idea how to deal with it. I almost felt like I wish I didn’t know the bad any more. Because I felt the shame of it, the shame of all the things wrong in my life being ultimately my responsibility and being within my control if I could just not have the abandonment issues running like a current through all avenues of my life I reached a real low one night. Oscar was at his dads and id watched a documentary about the impacts psilocybin has on the brain and the benefits it has on those suffering with depression and id managed to get some. So one wild night I made myself a magical tea and started to paint. I posted the finished piece on facebook marketplace for a really cheap price of £30. It gathered a bit of interest but it was ginny that reached out and was really enthusiastic about it. She sent some amazing and real...

 i remember the day oscar was placed on my chest. seeing my child for the first time did not live up to the hype and i say this totally unashamedly because its the truth and theres many many layers to the truth. it wasnt that i no longer wanted oscar. it was that i wasnt expecting how much love i would have for this fragile little soul, it was that this child was so amazing i couldnt possibly be worthy of him and neither was i capable.  i honestly believe that, along with a traumatic birth, the challenges breastfeeding brings, general lack of sleep and the toll all of this takes on the relationship you have with your romantic partner, the feeling that your "not enough" prior child birth all rises to the surface and gives you a good hard slap when baby arrives. THAT is ultimately what i believe causes post natal depression.  i do think it should be recognised more amongst men. as much as they put on the hard front society has weighed heavy upon them to, they could also be ...