Work Of Heart Diaries

 So I've really been struggling with this idea of sitting with pain. I'm very much an all or nothing, live life a thousand miles per hour...and I see how people avoiding their own shit affects them and even their kids so much that that scares me massively to the point that I go... Oh hello pain... And then I dive right in until I want to set the world on fire. None of that makes any logical sense and I've caused all sorts of chaos. Like a child. But you know what? I'm not judging myself for any of this because firstly, I was brought up in an environment where I wasn't allowed to express myself and secondly in an environment where if anyone did express themselves it was explosive.  And I'm not saying monkey see monkey do and that makes it ok but what I am saying is that you can't act or be any better if you don't know how. I was never shown any better so I've never acted any better and although it's common sense to most, in those hard moments when...

  I am no longer people pleasing I am no longer apologising to keep the peace  I am no longer avoiding conflict to keep the peace  I am no longer tolerating behaviour where I am the scape goat in someone’s chain of pain I will not tolerate projection or deflection, Half hearted apologies, lack of accountability and an aversion to self reflection I will not tolerate triangulation, gaslighting or any other emotional abuse tactics  I will not tolerate bitter envy I welcome in recognition and atonement. I welcome In empathy. Real emotional empathy, not just a recognition of how I’m feeling but the ability to FEEL how I’m feeling. I welcome in vulnerability I welcome In honesty. Honesty with self and others I welcome In true expression. Expression of feelings, passion, excitement, pain, creativity, whatever and whenever. I will never be ashamed of being around someone who is being their true authentic self. If you want to run through the supermarket screaming or jump into...

 I've been involved in a lot of conflict recently that has sent my mind spiralling and caused me to question who I am. I've done a lot of journaling and if I've had a vent to others I've reflected upon the messages ive been desperate to get  from others that I'm not telling myself. Sometimes when I so desperately want another to say "I'm sorry" or " you've done your best and that's always enough" or some other words of compassion, comfort or understanding and I fight with them in desperation to get it I realise that I'm fighting the wrong person. I should be fighting myself to offer up all this love and understanding to myself and I shouldn't be fighting others or engaging in any kind of conversation for it.  Ofcourse it's nice to have a tribe, to have family and friends there for you but that should only ever be a bonus to the love and care you give to yourself...  Here are some affirmations if you find yourself strugglin...

 3 years ago I married the love of my life -my life at that point anyway. It's not been an easy ride coming away from that but it's been necessary. I now know that all the bad that has happened, it's happened for my greater good and for a new and better life that I am trying to build.  I have not a single regret. My wedding day still is one of the best days of my life. It was a magical day filled with love, celebration and togetherness. A meeting of 2 families that I will always cherish.  So today, rather than celebrating an anniversary I am celebrating gratitude and peace.  I am grateful for all of the abundance I had in my life, for all of the joy and love those chapters of my life had brought and I am especially grateful for Oscar bear. Because he is the reason it all happened.  Today might be the last time I am aware of another passing anniversary. Next year It might be a feeling of indifference... I love and accept this stage in my journey as I have come to...

There comes a point in healing where you love yourself enough to no longer allow others in your life to do you harm. That doesn't mean you won't get triggered but you can observe it without judgment and be at peace with it, loving and accepting yourself anyway and setting boundaries so that they no longer can alter your well-being. You no longer people please and youre no longer an archetype of victim or rescuer etc  It's really liberating to realise that the only person you have to please is you. The only person you SHOULD please is you. If everyone focussed on themselves imagine how awesome the world would be? It sounds selfish but it's the most selfless thing anyone can ever do. This sounds really simple but if you can observe your life and go, what causes me stress? Ok work causes me stress, but I still like it and life's supposed to be a bit stressful. or you dont think you can find a better job. or a better relationship even and the excuse is, its not always s...

Claires sessions are probably tailored to each individual so what I describe that happened within mine might not happen in others. In my first session we discussed where I was at on my journey. How I feel and react in certain situations and labelling the messaging that ive carried through out my life. Id told her about my post natal depression, my separation from my husband, a job I wasn’t feeling truly passionate about but that I liked regardless and the tumultuous relationship with a current boyfriend. She made some notes as we went along which I couldn’t help but wonder about but that made sense at the end of the session Id described my relationship with both parents and Claire had summarised the messaging I got from my dad in a way that was never put to me before and it was this:   “you don’t matter” and there for “I discard you”   She cemented the idea that we carry the lack of love we received from the negative parent and we end up with romantic partners who repeat the s...

  Healing. 1/2   I reached a brick wall with therapy. Its like everything was layed out in front of me, all of the bad and I had no place for it and had no idea how to deal with it. I almost felt like I wish I didn’t know the bad any more. Because I felt the shame of it, the shame of all the things wrong in my life being ultimately my responsibility and being within my control if I could just not have the abandonment issues running like a current through all avenues of my life I reached a real low one night. Oscar was at his dads and id watched a documentary about the impacts psilocybin has on the brain and the benefits it has on those suffering with depression and id managed to get some. So one wild night I made myself a magical tea and started to paint. I posted the finished piece on facebook marketplace for a really cheap price of £30. It gathered a bit of interest but it was ginny that reached out and was really enthusiastic about it. She sent some amazing and real...