healing

 

Healing. 1/2

 

I reached a brick wall with therapy. Its like everything was layed out in front of me, all of the bad and I had no place for it and had no idea how to deal with it. I almost felt like I wish I didn’t know the bad any more. Because I felt the shame of it, the shame of all the things wrong in my life being ultimately my responsibility and being within my control if I could just not have the abandonment issues running like a current through all avenues of my life

I reached a real low one night. Oscar was at his dads and id watched a documentary about the impacts psilocybin has on the brain and the benefits it has on those suffering with depression and id managed to get some. So one wild night I made myself a magical tea and started to paint.

I posted the finished piece on facebook marketplace for a really cheap price of £30. It gathered a bit of interest but it was ginny that reached out and was really enthusiastic about it. She sent some amazing and really encouraging and elaborate messages about the painting and offered me a free weekend in her bnb.

Id arrived and had spent my stay here like it was a painting retreat. I painted a rainbow stormy sky which probably represented my mental state really well at the time.

Ginny gave me a knock and sat with me explaining her own journey through life. The main message I took from her was to do art, to be an artist and to trust my intuition. And to do all of that now before I make the mistakes that she made in life. Shes an incredible human being and I will be forever grateful to her for being a significant compass in my life.

I took what id learnt and started to trust my intuition more and more… things with my current boyfriend wernt great but intuition told me to stay.

I had to research the difference between fear and intuition. Ginny taught me pendulum reading as a way to let my intuition and the universe guide me but I was still a bit sceptical about the whole thing and I looked into more of a realistic way.

Fear is rumination and over thinking. Intuition is a sudden feeling or thought. So I imagine someone has a gun to my head and I have to make a decision, yes or no and every decision ive made since has lead me on a crazy journey.

I went to a place called faraway follies with a boyfriend of mine at the time. Id reached a real low. I didn’t even want to get out of bed that day. i sat in the passenger seat with a comfort quilt wrapped around me. marge, the owner of the place, like an angel opened the door and took me by the hand to her house. “bring the quilt” she said.

I used to have a comfort blanket as a child. Now I have really soft throws that bring me a sense of “home” wherever I am. Us ADHD ers are very sensory. My son has a soft pillow which im sure will evolve into adulthood in the same way.

Marge talked to me about her journey of healing. I soon realised she was another compass. She was a real light. She was like an older version of me, but a me I would like to be. Shed often lose track of what she was saying and id have to finish her sentences but she was thrilled we were both on the same page. Id explained that I knew so much, id studied so much psychology and I had all these jigsaw pieces in front of me but I didn’t know the solution and I was looking for one and been following my intuition in hope.

Marge gave me claires details. Claire was going to give me the solution.