Work Of Heart Diaries

 "true self love is when you appreciate who you are and where you are regardless of any transformation you aspire to" - vex king accepting the "bad" within us is difficult because shame comes up and guilt can follow that. These are not simple feelings. we can have an entire history of behaviour where our "bad" has negatively impacted us and caused others pain and the guilt and shame of that can be overwhelming. Our brain wants to protect us from the pain of shame and guilt so, most of the time our defences will come up. its important that we don't judge ourselves, that we observe our feelings with curiosity and approach the negative with self compassion. how do we know when our defences are coming up? when we are in a heightened emotional state. when we are experiencing, fight, flight, freeze or fawn.  triggers reveal so much about ourselves and more about our own "bad." As much as we want to shift blame on to the other it can often mean that...

 Since oscar was born, I always thought he was so amazing I needed to be better. I didn't know how to be a mum, I didn't have any control and because I didn't know what to do a lot it felt like hell. It constantly felt like i wasnt enough. I was so alone through most of it it felt like it was all on me to be everything and I couldn't be everything. When Craig and i seperated, I felt like on one hand he was around for Oscar more so the pressure was lifted in one respect but I had to be more financially and security wise - better. I have treated myself like a project since he was born. Always trying to be better always trying to be EVERYTHING for him. It takes a village to raise a child but those villages don't exist any more, especially during covid times. So i felt like i had to be that village and i couldn't fuck up because if i fucked up it would fuck him up. And im fucked up and being fucked up meant loosing craig and loosing craig meant pain. But i have lear...

There's a lot of information out there on the importance of releasing trauma, on sitting with pain but very little on how, unless you read an entire mindfulness or well being related book. im not saying i have all the answers. i have my own personal lived experience and research.  there are certain people in your own lives that you will meet and certain experiences that you will have that will cause heightened emotions to rise. known commonly as a trigger. you could argue that general disrespect is not a trigger and the reaction to such is but a primal, instinctive response designed to protect you and keep you safe. however, unless your life is under any real danger then a reaction is unnecessary and by reaction i mean fight, flight, freeze or fawn (FFFF). totally natural of course but not necessary. i would argue it is a total waste of energy. important to observe and be grateful for as it is something that has always ensured the survival of our species. some FFFF reacti...

Googles top definition: you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or a feeling of rejection I often wonder if this severe emotional state I sometimes get myself into eases or lessens. I like to believe it will and it does. Like the part of the brain I use now to breathe through and reframe will strengthen like a muscle and more easily compensate for this debilitating ADHD symptom. I'm not entirely sure how it all works but it sounds right doesn't it? And often placebos and beliefs are much more powerful than facts anyway so let's go with that... Now that I'm actually allowing pain to come through and pass rather than suppress it or distract myself it's as if I'm feeling things like I've never felt them before.  Yesterday I experienced RSD and the consequence to this with ADHD is like being in a zombiefied state. Moving around but barely functioning. Looking busy but not getting anything or much done at all.  Wanting to peform basic tasks but...

 "ADHD isn't real, it's just an excuse. It never existed in my day. I do that all the time, I'm just like that and I don't have a problem. You cant blame everything on ADHD or your child hood. " ADHD is considered a mental disability. Firstly, Disability exists in the context of the environment. If you had no arms but it was standard in all restaurants for robots to feed you, for cars to drive themselves, self writing pens etc etc then it wouldn't be disabling and you wouldn't be considered disabled. I can't be bothered listing the symptoms or WHY it's disabling to have ADHD but perhaps if I explain it like this.   There are physiological and chemical differences to a neurodynamic, adhd brain, than someone who is neurotypical (normal) meaning the brain is physically different. There are parts that are smaller.  There is a chemical difference. Meaning that,  that that good feeling hormone called dopamine is lower so we're constantly in searc...

  I currently have this big mountain on my chin from prodding and poking at it so much. i do that. i had to go back and edit this  because i realised that wasn't the only thing. the house is in total chaos. i often look around me at all the people who are very unhealthily overweight or who have an acne problem like me or the people who just can't get anything right and are spending ages doing a basic thing. Even younger people who have developed fibromyalgia or cancer or any other diseases or illnesses. we all have something in common with one another. we're avoiding sitting with pain. were afraid of the root of it. it becomes trapped energy and comes out in other ways. a compulsion to pick and prod,  a compulsion to eat, shop, DO and DO and DO and when the energy festers no matter how much we try to plaster it, it manifests itself physically and we become physically ill.  I'm not saying this is ALL cases but I believe there's certainly a link. having ADHD is a bles...

 So I've really been struggling with this idea of sitting with pain. I'm very much an all or nothing, live life a thousand miles per hour...and I see how people avoiding their own shit affects them and even their kids so much that that scares me massively to the point that I go... Oh hello pain... And then I dive right in until I want to set the world on fire. None of that makes any logical sense and I've caused all sorts of chaos. Like a child. But you know what? I'm not judging myself for any of this because firstly, I was brought up in an environment where I wasn't allowed to express myself and secondly in an environment where if anyone did express themselves it was explosive.  And I'm not saying monkey see monkey do and that makes it ok but what I am saying is that you can't act or be any better if you don't know how. I was never shown any better so I've never acted any better and although it's common sense to most, in those hard moments when...