Tribe

 

I currently have this big mountain on my chin from prodding and poking at it so much. i do that. i had to go back and edit this  because i realised that wasn't the only thing. the house is in total chaos. i often look around me at all the people who are very unhealthily overweight or who have an acne problem like me or the people who just can't get anything right and are spending ages doing a basic thing. Even younger people who have developed fibromyalgia or cancer or any other diseases or illnesses. we all have something in common with one another.

we're avoiding sitting with pain. were afraid of the root of it. it becomes trapped energy and comes out in other ways. a compulsion to pick and prod,  a compulsion to eat, shop, DO and DO and DO and when the energy festers no matter how much we try to plaster it, it manifests itself physically and we become physically ill. 

I'm not saying this is ALL cases but I believe there's certainly a link.

having ADHD is a blessing really. our tolerance to mental pain is much much lower. if I've attempted to avoid pain, ill get overwhelmed and have to spend an entire day in bed. so we are forced to sit with it.

the problem is that ADHD is very all or nothing. ill let things build and build and build before i finally deal with it in a very chaotic last-minute kind of way. this is the same with uncomfortable feelings or pain. I was having a day where I just couldn't be present with my son, it was like trying to focus on a single tv channel but 10 were playing all at once in my brain.

thats what happens when i let it build. the reason i say its a blessing is because i know that sitting with pain is an opportunity for growth or re direction. thats all pain is its a reminder to be our most authentic selves and it's there to alert us when thats not happened. 

I'm currently at a stage in my journey where i HAVE to be my most authentic self. expressive, unfiltered, sensitive, no bullshit self.

the parts of myself that were rejected in my upbringing, I'm now allowing as they were always part of who i truly am. i am now "awake." this has made people in my life feel very uncomfortable. probably wondering who the hell this person is because its not who i was. To me, its who ive ALWAYS been. ive just had to supress it.

its been very very hard because when you've been "asleep" your whole life to who you really are, when you've people pleased and bit your tongue, the people youve built around that version of you, no longer resonate with the grown version. i think this is something most of us are afraid of.

our natural instincts are to feel safe and our primal instincts tell us to conform to the tribe to be safe. familiarity is safe.

pick your hard. conform and have a tribe but live in the pain of being your inauthentic self OR break free of conformity, suffer the pain of being rejected by your tribe. 

it's been hard, suffering the rejection. i remember when I was applying for my first job and i experienced those first stings, one after the other. it's a shit society we live in when we have to go through something like that. Theres nothing natural about that. this is what this feels like.

I can't go back to who i was so i have to go forwards

although I'm currently grieving and feeling the sting of all the rejection, i KNOW that this is the correct "hard" and its necessary because I know that i will welcome in a new tribe. Autumn has always been my favourite season, but this autumn really reflects my journey right now. the shedding of leaves...to welcome in new leaves.

along this journey of apparent solitude and loneliness i have to remind myself how strong and amazing i am because when you've had the door slammed in your face so many times, pep talks and reframes are 10 x more necessary and in need of repetition. 

I've looked at the door slams and thought about how hard ive worked to love and accept myself as much as I do today and yet I've become a problem.  sometimes I should change back to who i was and shut up.

but I'm trying to observe it as an opportunity for a new beginning.

for now, i am licking my wounds and slowing everything down, much to my ADHDs disappointment