the bad and the ugly

 "true self love is when you appreciate who you are and where you are regardless of any transformation you aspire to" - vex king

accepting the "bad" within us is difficult because shame comes up and guilt can follow that. These are not simple feelings. we can have an entire history of behaviour where our "bad" has negatively impacted us and caused others pain and the guilt and shame of that can be overwhelming. Our brain wants to protect us from the pain of shame and guilt so, most of the time our defences will come up. its important that we don't judge ourselves, that we observe our feelings with curiosity and approach the negative with self compassion.

how do we know when our defences are coming up? when we are in a heightened emotional state. when we are experiencing, fight, flight, freeze or fawn. 

triggers reveal so much about ourselves and more about our own "bad." As much as we want to shift blame on to the other it can often mean that we are deflecting or projecting to shy away from our own demons and the lessons that lie within us. 

when we are in the FFFF state, it is important to take space, to reflect, to gather the self awareness to explore our triggers. What caused us to feel that way? Why do we feel that way? But why did that bother us? and keep asking that same question until we get to the root of what's really going on. Eventually we realise, that what we are looking for in another, or what we are looking for in a situation is something that we can find within ourselves. We're not acting or thinking in a way that is compassionate towards ourselves and by giving ourselves compassion we relieve the suffering within ourselves and the suffering we could consequently give to others.

exploring the bad....

we all lie on a spectrum of negative human traits. lazy, boring, envious, spiteful, bitchy etc but these are all traits that can also keep a person safe and happy and can also cause a person to have a successful career. I heard once that psychopaths would make great surgeons. it may or may not be true but I can see the logic. Treating a person like a car to fix might ease the pressure for better workability. There are many psychopaths that don't kill but they are incredibly successful in their career because they think about things logically and do things methodically without the hang-up that emotions can bring. ok, I mean, the business might not be entirely ethical but can you see how something that we perceive to be bad, can actually be good?

another example is spite. I know a very spiteful person. When someone tells her she cant do something or isnt capable. She wants to prove them wrong  to spite them.

being a bitch can mean that youll not be afraid to stand up for yourself or/and protect others

being envious can mean that you want more so youll get more.

as long as we love and accept the bad within us then it really can benefit us and those around us.

What we perceive to be "bad" is only "bad" when we pretend it isnt there, when we want to bury it and ignore it from the shame of it and we dont give it the compassion and love it deserves. in this same token, what we perceive to be "good" can also be negative. 

did you know empathy can be toxic? when we give so much, when we put others needs before our own, we eventually resent it when we don't receive it back and we can lash out towards others as a consequence. 

the ying yang symbol of balance comes to mind. there is good in the bad and bad in the good and everything requires love and balance.

I used to think of trauma as this ugly thing that causes so many to suffer. but i now realise that trauma is necessary. i know that sounds terrible when you think of the extent to which trauma can happen but when you think of the good that can come from the bad when we love and accept ourselves it has this domino effects amongst us all. I used to see someone's negative trait like spite and view it as something that needed fixing but I've realised that it can actually be their super power. perhaps that perception has only been formed because I've learnt to love and accept my own negative traits more. 

"If you are willing to look at another person's behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.” - yogi bhajan

a reactive person is a struggling person. when we are reactive we are struggling with a part of ourselves.

our bad can only negatively impact ourselves and others when we have not given it the love and acceptance it craves. When we are asking the universe for something and that something is what is required within, we attract people and situations into our lives that cause us the pain that forces us to face the parts of ourselves we are actively trying to avoid and we will repeat a pattern and a cycle over and over again until we love and accept our shadows.

what happens when we are reactive without reflection? projection.

"Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism stemming from the ego. In projection, you take an unacceptable part of yourself, such as your feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and fears, disown it, and place it onto someone else. Projections contain our blind spots. Although almost everyone has engaged in projection at some point in their lives, it's often difficult to know when you're doing it.

Projection can cloud your vision and skew your perception of reality. This makes it hard to see a situation for what it is, and instead, morphs a person or situation into something it is not. When you engage in projection, you become susceptible to self-victimization and blaming other people for something you need to address within yourself. " - How to Know When You're Projecting (thehappinessclinic.org)

the link above also includes steps on how to notice when you might be projecting and what to do.

when we shed light on our shadows, magic happens.