This is me, a babbling Brook

 Since oscar was born, I always thought he was so amazing I needed to be better. I didn't know how to be a mum, I didn't have any control and because I didn't know what to do a lot it felt like hell. It constantly felt like i wasnt enough. I was so alone through most of it it felt like it was all on me to be everything and I couldn't be everything.

When Craig and i seperated, I felt like on one hand he was around for Oscar more so the pressure was lifted in one respect but I had to be more financially and security wise - better.

I have treated myself like a project since he was born. Always trying to be better always trying to be EVERYTHING for him. It takes a village to raise a child but those villages don't exist any more, especially during covid times. So i felt like i had to be that village and i couldn't fuck up because if i fucked up it would fuck him up.

And im fucked up and being fucked up meant loosing craig and loosing craig meant pain.

But i have learnt that treating myself like a project has been the most counterproductive thing I could have ever done in terms of happiness and being everything for him. 

That fucking up is an enevitability. That fucking oscar up is an inevitability. That we all have trauma and give our kids trauma and possibly others trauma no matter what we do and the only thing we can do despite all of that is love. We can love ourselves harder. We can tell our kids and others how awesome they are too. 

And that's it, that's everything. We release control over the rest, we jump in the river of life and allow ourselves to just be, even if that includes being a cunt, because sometimes when we put so much pressure on ourselves to do better and be better, we're an even bigger cunt and we cause even more pain.

It goes back to attatchment again and control... (see previous post on attatchment) 

We do our best and that's enough. 

Psychedelics are magical things and they really were a huge instegator in my art career and the messages I recieved benefited me to no end and for some time ive wanted them again as a means of spiritual direction but how much i Wanted that direction was a problem.

The water in a river doesn't want direction. it follows the flow. It doesn't worry about where its going or how it's going to get there, it doesn't worry about the destruction it might cause. it just is and it flows and it surrenders itself to obstacles as it flows around them. It doesn't flow faster or harder to prevent destruction as that would only cause more destruction... It just is, and because of that, it's beautiful and calming and those that revel in the beauty of the river don't resent the destruction or the direction or the way the river flows as they love the river exactly because it is a river doing what rivers do.