Work Of Heart Diaries

 3 years ago I married the love of my life -my life at that point anyway. It's not been an easy ride coming away from that but it's been necessary. I now know that all the bad that has happened, it's happened for my greater good and for a new and better life that I am trying to build.  I have not a single regret. My wedding day still is one of the best days of my life. It was a magical day filled with love, celebration and togetherness. A meeting of 2 families that I will always cherish.  So today, rather than celebrating an anniversary I am celebrating gratitude and peace.  I am grateful for all of the abundance I had in my life, for all of the joy and love those chapters of my life had brought and I am especially grateful for Oscar bear. Because he is the reason it all happened.  Today might be the last time I am aware of another passing anniversary. Next year It might be a feeling of indifference... I love and accept this stage in my journey as I have come to...

There comes a point in healing where you love yourself enough to no longer allow others in your life to do you harm. That doesn't mean you won't get triggered but you can observe it without judgment and be at peace with it, loving and accepting yourself anyway and setting boundaries so that they no longer can alter your well-being. You no longer people please and youre no longer an archetype of victim or rescuer etc  It's really liberating to realise that the only person you have to please is you. The only person you SHOULD please is you. If everyone focussed on themselves imagine how awesome the world would be? It sounds selfish but it's the most selfless thing anyone can ever do. This sounds really simple but if you can observe your life and go, what causes me stress? Ok work causes me stress, but I still like it and life's supposed to be a bit stressful. or you dont think you can find a better job. or a better relationship even and the excuse is, its not always s...

Claires sessions are probably tailored to each individual so what I describe that happened within mine might not happen in others. In my first session we discussed where I was at on my journey. How I feel and react in certain situations and labelling the messaging that ive carried through out my life. Id told her about my post natal depression, my separation from my husband, a job I wasn’t feeling truly passionate about but that I liked regardless and the tumultuous relationship with a current boyfriend. She made some notes as we went along which I couldn’t help but wonder about but that made sense at the end of the session Id described my relationship with both parents and Claire had summarised the messaging I got from my dad in a way that was never put to me before and it was this:   “you don’t matter” and there for “I discard you”   She cemented the idea that we carry the lack of love we received from the negative parent and we end up with romantic partners who repeat the s...

  Healing. 1/2   I reached a brick wall with therapy. Its like everything was layed out in front of me, all of the bad and I had no place for it and had no idea how to deal with it. I almost felt like I wish I didn’t know the bad any more. Because I felt the shame of it, the shame of all the things wrong in my life being ultimately my responsibility and being within my control if I could just not have the abandonment issues running like a current through all avenues of my life I reached a real low one night. Oscar was at his dads and id watched a documentary about the impacts psilocybin has on the brain and the benefits it has on those suffering with depression and id managed to get some. So one wild night I made myself a magical tea and started to paint. I posted the finished piece on facebook marketplace for a really cheap price of £30. It gathered a bit of interest but it was ginny that reached out and was really enthusiastic about it. She sent some amazing and real...

 i remember the day oscar was placed on my chest. seeing my child for the first time did not live up to the hype and i say this totally unashamedly because its the truth and theres many many layers to the truth. it wasnt that i no longer wanted oscar. it was that i wasnt expecting how much love i would have for this fragile little soul, it was that this child was so amazing i couldnt possibly be worthy of him and neither was i capable.  i honestly believe that, along with a traumatic birth, the challenges breastfeeding brings, general lack of sleep and the toll all of this takes on the relationship you have with your romantic partner, the feeling that your "not enough" prior child birth all rises to the surface and gives you a good hard slap when baby arrives. THAT is ultimately what i believe causes post natal depression.  i do think it should be recognised more amongst men. as much as they put on the hard front society has weighed heavy upon them to, they could also be ...

You could be happy, but then maybe you wouldn’t be reading this. You could be blissfully unaware. If you’re not ruminating or feeling numb or down or anxious or distracted then read no further… but I know most of us are. You could be shit scared of sitting with pain. I know I am. I’ve hiked volcanos, swam with sharks, gone solo traveling, married a narcissist, and im still shit scared of sitting with my own pain. But suppressing or distracting ourselves from pain is like standing in the middle of a war zone with our heads in the sand. Youre still a sitting duck for the bullets, shrapnel and chaos that you will inevitably cause or receive by doing nothing about your pain. Once you know, you cant un know, and once you’ve recognised everything, what do you do but ruminate over it and be generally miserable, which is pointless.  So; distraction, distraction, distraction, right? WRONG! The pain will not swallow you whole and leave you entirely incapacitated if you tackle it. The pain is...