parenting with ADHD

 i remember the day oscar was placed on my chest. seeing my child for the first time did not live up to the hype and i say this totally unashamedly because its the truth and theres many many layers to the truth.

it wasnt that i no longer wanted oscar. it was that i wasnt expecting how much love i would have for this fragile little soul, it was that this child was so amazing i couldnt possibly be worthy of him and neither was i capable. 

i honestly believe that, along with a traumatic birth, the challenges breastfeeding brings, general lack of sleep and the toll all of this takes on the relationship you have with your romantic partner, the feeling that your "not enough" prior child birth all rises to the surface and gives you a good hard slap when baby arrives. THAT is ultimately what i believe causes post natal depression.

 i do think it should be recognised more amongst men. as much as they put on the hard front society has weighed heavy upon them to, they could also be battling a whole host of feelings of inadequacy.

its taken me 3 years to finally feel confident as a mum. 3 years of therapy, 2 spiritual healers and funnily enough the biggest impact was the healers but ill get into that on another blog...

ADHD has been a blessing in motherhood in a lot of respects because i have known that the way that i am could potentially be damaging or negative in my parenting and like a lot of people with ADHD, they KNOW how dysfunctional their brain is too by societal standards so they over compensate by being even better than a neurotypical. almost like the shame of it causes them to work harder and be better. now this isnt great at all because it eventually causes severe burn out, or just a constant need for escape or impulsive purchases, items, holidays etc. in my case, i researched the hell out of how to be a better parent but my healer summarised it perfectly. kids, no matter the age, require these 3 things

To feel valued, seen and heard 

empathy with your child means that when they're having a huge tantrum over the baked bean that missed their mouth and fell on the floor, you recognise that although this may seem like a huge over reaction to you, this is actually fairly catastrophic in their world. i mean, they live in a world of sunshines, rainbows and they've not got the brain capacity or life experience of true perspective. so if that baked bean was the end of the world, then humour them with a response that recognises that.

Tell them every day how awesome they are.

what happens in the world that you and your children share now determines how much he or she will one day be tainted by the outside world's influence and how much he or she will question her or his place and value here.

If we build a solid foundation now, of telling our children how awesome they are as much as possible and how loved and brilliant and kind they are etc, they naturally become these amazing people we've built them up to be. so no matter how much damage happens from the outside, they have this untouchable, solid foundation of self love that is so strong that they can move past any anxieties and criticisms in life.

Its amazing what happens when you start to love your faults.

In nature, there's often a poisonous plant that grows along side the remedy plant to that poison and I believe it's the same for ADHD. Society teaches us that it's a disorder but that's so wrong. It's not a disorder its a delightful difference. Yes, were naturally clumsy and forgetful and disorganised etc but  we're also creative and deep thinkers.... So the solutions to being clumsy and forgetful and disorganised are in our own minds BECAUSE were so creative. And nobody else can tell us a solution or give us one. It's up to us to think of those ourselves. There's no magic pill, not even the ADHD meds really cure us... 

And this is so simple but something my healer told me to do and it started with loving and accepting who I was. All of that ADHD... I'm a clusterfuck, I love and accept myself anyway... And repeat.

I didn't tidy my room, I'm so messy, I love and accept myself  anyway..

I felt so burnt out I let my kids have too much screen time, I love and accept myself anyway...

And repeat for every single negative nagging thought...

Next.... Affirmations. Affirmations. Affirmations.

I am trying to be more organized ...

My life is becoming easier and I am becoming more efficient....

I am an awesome mum....

My son is so lucky to have such a deep thinking and creative mum....

Etc..

Now it takes 21 days for it to sink in and work... And if you can't do it twice a day, morning and night, then pair it with something's you already do like showering, or any other daily ritual.

I promise this works. My room is tidier (the house will come later I’m starting small), I remembered a membership card the other day and I feel generally so much happier and confident and I can't even remember when I last felt like I was in panic mode.

Love and light 

X